Sunday, October 02, 2005

What's Eating Gilbert Grape is rated PG-13 for elements of mature subject matter.

This sounds like a 'must try harder' school report.

Paul is beginning to engage with elements of mature subject matter; however he continues to show too much interest in the zippers of his peers.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Ever After: A Cinderella Story is rated PG-13 for momentary strong language, embarrassment and serious injury

So had the language been more than momentary, would this movie have got a more restrictive rating? Like if someone had said 'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit'?

Thursday, April 01, 2004

A Pig's Tale is rated PG for language and juvenile mischief

Whereas Cocoon is rated PG-13 - presumably for its septuagenarian mischief

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Celebrity Biography Special!

The censors are never more judgmental than when rating the life stories of the stars. Their warnings provide neat pointers on where to think twice when deciding to devote oneself to a particular celebrity. Here are some examples, one of which I just made up:

The Tiger Woods Story is rated PG-13 for some crude language.

In His Life: The John Lennon Story is rated PG-13 for brief violence, some sexuality, drug content and language.

The Madonna Ciccone Story is rated PG-13 for non-stop frenetic fashion and for some mockneys.

The Audrey Hepburn Story is rated PG for a scene of violence and brief language.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Today's post comes courtesy of loyal friend to Verymildperil, Mr. Marzipan:

Ladder 49 is rated PG-13 for intense fire and rescue situations, and for language.

It's nice to see that the censors have finally got it right. We all know that when a fire is intense, the rescue situations need to reflect this. It would be much worse for everyone if a group of children were trapped in a burning building while a laid-back fireman nonchalantly sauntered up the ladder to their rescue.

As for "language", it's clear that a fireman who chooses to express his orders through the medium of dance and mime is a much more terrifying proposition. Well done everyone!

Friday, February 06, 2004

Boobgate: The Movie will be rated R for outrage, anger,
embarrassment and serious injury

Outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury are the complaints registered by one viewer of the Superbowl strip-tacular, who is suing the makers of the show. The nature of the injury is unspecified, but I think it sets an excellent precedent. I am planning to sue Christina Aguilera, Peter Jackson and also Unilever for the various expensive injuries they have recently caused me.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Finding Nemo contains mild peril

I am adamant that the peril depicted in this film is not mild. It is far, far away from mild. I would venture to say that Finding Nemo contains maximum peril. Here are some examples:

Can anyone suggest peril of a worse nature than in the situations above?

Friday, January 09, 2004

A very special history lesson!

The story of how ratings were introduced to films in November 1968 is suitably silly. Jack Valenti, President of the Motion Picture Association of America from the mid-60s, recently recounted the controversy surrounding questionable language used in the film Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, leading to a new era of regulation.

"In company with the MPAA's general counsel, Louis Nizer, I met with Jack Warner, the legendary chieftain of Warner Bros., and his top aide, Ben Kalmenson. We talked for three hours, and the result was deletion of "screw" and retention of "hump the hostess"..."

Monday, January 05, 2004

Godzilla vs. Biollante is rated PG for traditional Godzilla violence

They have a point. If Godzilla would make some attempt to get with the times, people would not hate him so much. It's his traditional Godzilla violence that's so abhorrent to mothers.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

The Powerpuff Girls Movie is rated PG for non-stop frenetic animated action

There's a lot of words in there, but do they really mean anything? I have to tell you that all of the 4 words are stupid:

The fact that a movie - particularly a cartoon - is non-stop should go without saying. It's like they're warning parents: "If you're planning to put your kid down for a little nap in the middle of this one, you should know in advance that it just ain't gonna stop! This fella's going to go 24 frames a second for 73 minutes! Don't say we didn't warn you!"

Maybe there are some religious groups who consider animation a dark art from which to shield their kids. But they'd be crazy if they'd rather see a human who looks like this:

than a cartoon.

This means the same as "non-stop". Filler filler filler.

This word is the key to the warning. If it were 1928 and we were thinking of seeing "Steamboat Willie", this might be a sensible warning. But today? Good luck to any parent who can guide their child away from everything frenetic.

Well done, censors. This wins the prize for Least Helpful Warning of 2002.

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